a merry little christmas

it all started with a tree.

 and some sleepy dogs

hey, whacha  you looking at?

and then some naughty little dogs that couldn't wait until christmas

 some Christmas goodies for the neighbors and new friends

and now, as if we weren't lucky enough, we get family.

airport runs on christmas eve

 she is smiling at the all-spandex outfit i wore so she could really see the baby bump.

family sitting in our living room, living large and passing on traditions

the dogs were on their best behavior because santa brought them beggin' strips

 and, as if the fact that we are all together at Christmas wasn't enough, santa really came through this year and brought us some pretty white stuff.

  hallelujah! 

Merry Christmas,

from snowy south carolina

cheers!

 .

get ready...

for some serious serenading this Christmas.

thankful

it is after thanksgiving and i had to go back and edit this post that i started weeks ago because the first sentence said something like -i can't believe that thanksgiving is next week.

jeezum, i'm a slacker.

i do have a few excuses.

i'm pretty sure that my body has hit a new level of exhaustion and i'm struggling trying to adapt to a new work routine with long hours on my feet.  my mind is constantly trying to separate work from home and sleep and rest and prenatal vitamins and what combinations of food to eat that won't send me running into the bathroom gagging until i laugh because this is all wonderfully ridiculous.  just yesterday when i spent nearly the entire day in bed and then part of the night looking into the toilet, i had to smile and think, that yes, this part sucks, but it is so worth it.  it's the season to be thankful.

and i'm thankful

:for my health and this little peanut inside me

:for a job that i do love.  it's busy and hectic, but i learn everyday and i snuggle and feed and help sick kids, so really, what could be any better.



:for fall hiking

and this little boy carried his stick the whole way back

:for a great hubby

funny story.  so a few weekends ago (more like a month ago now),  the whiny part of me took over and i told mike that we had to go to the orchard to get apples and pumpkins and that i didn't want to just go to lowes - that didn't seem right.  eventually, after i agreed to make apple crisp that night, we left and drove to sky top orchard.

it was beautiful

but apparently because of our warm fall temperatures all the apples had fallen or were already picked, so there was no apple picking.  and i guess since this is located at the top of a mountain they only take cash or check...  so we retreated back to the car to rummage around for change, under seats and at the bottom of my purse.  i think between the two of us we found about nine dollars, some old fries, an open tube of lip gloss and a few quarters stuck between some old trident gum..  we were able to get a small bag of apples, two apple spiced donuts and one apple cider slushy.  needless to say, we went to lowes on the way home and i still had to make apple crisp that night.

but it was fun, and i'm pretty sure mike is able to laugh about it now :)

we created these cute little pumpkins

while this little lady sunbathed

spoooooky

i had high hopes for fall.  lots of hiking and running over fallen leaves with the pooches, but so much has changed.

and despite the unrelenting nausea that has me darting into the clean utility room at work so that my patients won't see me gagging up a storm, or the fact that i can't brush my teeth with out feeling like i'm going to lose my breakfast, lunch and dinner....i feel so thankful and blessed at this moment 

it's disgustingly perfect and i wouldn't have it any other way, because i'm happy and healthy and tired.  and i have so much to look forward to.  i love the fact that our home is going to be filled with family this season. i can already picture air mattresses blown up, i can smell the coffee that stays warm all day and i predict lots of couch snuggling and twinkle lights and i'm sure a few belly rubs here and there. oh yes, it gonna be good.  it will be our family's first christmas away from maine, away from snow; we won't have a white christmas, but we will have each other.

we had a little pre-cursor last weekend when mike's brother and girlfriend came up for thanksgiving.  and even though i worked, mike recorded the parade and we celebrated on friday.

 

we stuffed our faces and then and cozied up around the fire.  

 and this little belle rested on my belly

and even though our holiday lacked the extra siblings and parental units, i was happy to see these two brothers together.

 and to officially get me into to the chirstmas spirit, last weekend i had the privilege of snapping some holiday pics of sweet little reagan

i'll be decorating for christmas and researching tree farms (because we can't just go to lowes to get our tree :) if you need me.  see most of you very soon!

hehe, bru is so not thrilled with his antlers.

 

And Still I Rise

this was being passed around facebook this morning....

a new journey

i'm not even sure where to start, but here i go.


i'd like to say that i'm not afraid.  and for the past few weeks i've been pretending that i wasn't.  i visited my family, went to football games, i woke up for work on time and, at night, i'd quietly remind my mind to not worry... and i'd rub my belly and dream.

yup, i'd rub my belly.

i am almost 10 weeks pregnant.

it took a few months but when i finally saw those pink little lines, i was struck; already in love.  that morning, i couldn't wait a second longer. i snuck out of bed early, before the sun had a chance to catch up, and in the quiet, that only morning's can offer, i smiled at my reflection in mirror and just as quietly as before, crawled back into bed.  i whispered tiny little words to mike, words that housed big meanings.


a new journey.

for weeks i was excited, having this secret that no one else knew...this tiny bond already as strong as steal. it's hard to explain, but when you are first pregnant and no one really knows yet, its like you are tiptoeing around with this juicy secret.  and when your friends at lunch talk about babies or pregnant mamas, you can just smile and nod.... and fantasize about how happy and surprised they will be when you tell them, in just a few more weeks.  because for now it's just me and these small cells beginning our journey...it's a private love.

last week we had our first appointment.  and i was fine, i was fine.  well, up until the point the nurse asked 'is this your first?' and  from then on i felt like i was hit by a truck.  hot tears streamed down my face and i silently cursed myself for crying.  i didn't know how to answer.  what do i say?... yes, no, i hope...  and all those feelings i haven't allowed myself to feel can flooding back at once.  the fluorescent lights accented my splotchy face and my paper gown crinkled as i sat at the exam table....and, as much as i hate to admit this, i did think, am i ready for this...am i strong enough to go through this again?  and they are words i never  wanted to admit. words i hate myself for typing right now, because i do want this, so badly.   i  want to be exactly where i am right now...  hunched over my keyboard, rubbing bella's belly with my foot, and wiping tears away in mike's sweatshirt.

and even though i wish i felt secure enough to share this news with everyone and plaster it all over facebook and kindly accept all those well wishes i know would surly follow, i'm not there yet, and that's ok.

because i do think that this is all normal.  it's normal to be afraid for your babies; for your children.  it's normal to wish for the best and try and brush aside the worries of what could happen.  and i don't think that will ever go away.  i can set small goals, like at12 weeks maybe i'll tell everyone, then 16 we can find out the sex, then i can hope to get to 24 and 35 weeks, but then i have to consider things like breastfeeding and teething, and walking and potty training; then there is school and driving and first loves...  it's a worry that i am convinced, will never cease.  it will simply mold and travel into different parts of our journey, but if we look hard enough at the root cause, it is just another form, another version of love.  a love that travels like smoke from burning leaves, sometimes it's thick and hot and crackling, and at other times, it floats away and is lost lost in fall breezes and that is when, when you finally get that breath of fresh air.  when you can finally stare up at the sun and think, hey, it's going to be alright.

because worry is normal and sadness too, but sometimes we have to take that first step of our journey; it is unexpected and scary especially when it feels a little bit too familiar.  but this is the journey we are on.  it is emotional and frightening and lovely.  and i'm sure, at times, i'll feel like that mack truck is looking for me, waiting to catch me walking with my head down or crossing the street without looking both ways.  i'm sure it will suck the breath out of me more times than i'll care to admit.  but, for now, i'm taking that first step.