i'm not even sure where to start, but here i go.
i'd like to say that i'm not afraid. and for the past few weeks i've been pretending that i wasn't. i visited my family, went to football games, i woke up for work on time and, at night, i'd quietly remind my mind to not worry... and i'd rub my belly and dream.
yup, i'd rub my belly.
i am almost 10 weeks pregnant.
it took a few months but when i finally saw those pink little lines, i was struck; already in love. that morning, i couldn't wait a second longer. i snuck out of bed early, before the sun had a chance to catch up, and in the quiet, that only morning's can offer, i smiled at my reflection in mirror and just as quietly as before, crawled back into bed. i whispered tiny little words to mike, words that housed big meanings.
a new journey.
for weeks i was excited, having this secret that no one else knew...this tiny bond already as strong as steal. it's hard to explain, but when you are first pregnant and no one really knows yet, its like you are tiptoeing around with this juicy secret. and when your friends at lunch talk about babies or pregnant mamas, you can just smile and nod.... and fantasize about how happy and surprised they will be when you tell them, in just a few more weeks. because for now it's just me and these small cells beginning our journey...it's a private love.
last week we had our first appointment. and i was fine, i was fine. well, up until the point the nurse asked 'is this your first?' and from then on i felt like i was hit by a truck. hot tears streamed down my face and i silently cursed myself for crying. i didn't know how to answer. what do i say?... yes, no, i hope... and all those feelings i haven't allowed myself to feel can flooding back at once. the fluorescent lights accented my splotchy face and my paper gown crinkled as i sat at the exam table....and, as much as i hate to admit this, i did think, am i ready for this...am i strong enough to go through this again? and they are words i never wanted to admit. words i hate myself for typing right now, because i do want this, so badly. i want to be exactly where i am right now... hunched over my keyboard, rubbing bella's belly with my foot, and wiping tears away in mike's sweatshirt.
and even though i wish i felt secure enough to share this news with everyone and plaster it all over facebook and kindly accept all those well wishes i know would surly follow, i'm not there yet, and that's ok.
because i do think that this is all normal. it's normal to be afraid for your babies; for your children. it's normal to wish for the best and try and brush aside the worries of what could happen. and i don't think that will ever go away. i can set small goals, like at12 weeks maybe i'll tell everyone, then 16 we can find out the sex, then i can hope to get to 24 and 35 weeks, but then i have to consider things like breastfeeding and teething, and walking and potty training; then there is school and driving and first loves... it's a worry that i am convinced, will never cease. it will simply mold and travel into different parts of our journey, but if we look hard enough at the root cause, it is just another form, another version of love. a love that travels like smoke from burning leaves, sometimes it's thick and hot and crackling, and at other times, it floats away and is lost lost in fall breezes and that is when, when you finally get that breath of fresh air. when you can finally stare up at the sun and think, hey, it's going to be alright.
because worry is normal and sadness too, but sometimes we have to take that first step of our journey; it is unexpected and scary especially when it feels a little bit too familiar. but this is the journey we are on. it is emotional and frightening and lovely. and i'm sure, at times, i'll feel like that mack truck is looking for me, waiting to catch me walking with my head down or crossing the street without looking both ways. i'm sure it will suck the breath out of me more times than i'll care to admit. but, for now, i'm taking that first step.