Wednesday, July 20, 2011

birth day.

i've sat down a million times since may 12th and tried to type and post and edit and write.
but i just can't tear myself away from this little guy.

it's amazing how much my heart grew in one powerful love is.
that night my mom said that she remebers me whispering: i feel like the luckiest girl in the whole world 

and i still do.

a week before liam was born i went to the dr's and was 4cm dilated, 80% effaced and at zero station.  i couldn't believe that he was so close; that i would soon have my hands on him.  my mom flew down and i updated my manager at work, assuming things would progress quickly....but then i waited and waited and waited...and slowly drove myself crazy.

3 days passed and it was mother's day. i was lucky enough to spend the day with my mom and imagined how special it would be to have my first baby on mother's day.  i daydreamed.

we went to breakfast that morning

 i still can't believe how big i was!

and i walked around and wished for that baby to come out and meet us, but he still didn't come.  

fast forward to wednesday.  

i had a class that morning at the hospital and then walked across campus to the dr.'s office.  i was a tiny bit more dilated, but really no change. 

frustration had officially set in.  all i wanted was to hold my little boy and see with my own eyes that he was healthy.  how could i be halfway there with no labor? 

it was a hard place be.  i had wished and prayed and hoped every single night since the day i peed on the stick that he would hold on tight so i could nourish his body... that he would stay safe inside me and grow into a healthy baby...that he not come out until the time was right.

and that afternoon i was convinced the time was right.  my mom and i went home and laced up our sneakers, loaded the dogs in the car and headed out to furman to walk in the 90 degree spring heat.  two hours later i was home and convinced that maybe i felt something, maybe my abdomen was tightening.  i decided that we better get pedicures just in case...  
on the way to the salon it started.  

i remember putting my mom's hand on my belly and asking her is she felt the tightening, if she could feel how hard my abdomen was getting. contractions were irregular and and semi-inconsistent, but i was slightly nauseated and so excited.

i remember thinking 
by this time tomorrow we will have met

i called mike on the way home to let him know it was starting.  i'm not sure exactly what was going through his head that night, i know he had heard me talk about contractions all week and was probably doubting my confidence that this was truly it.  once the sun had set we slowly walked the neighborhood and thought about how this would be our last walk as simply husband and wife, we would soon be mom and dad.  we were ready, scared, excited... our life was changing.

i remember thinking
by this time tomorrow you will be a daddy

around 11 mike convinced me to go to bed.  contractions were still inconsistent and only about 6 min apart.  and i didn't want to be that patient who was turned away from triage; i wanted to labor at home.  i laid there  for about 45 min, but then felt a huge urge to get up and move around.  i  walked out to the living room, the  only light on was above the sink and the dogs were trailing right behind me.  i stood there alone - it was a very surreal feeling.... 

and i remember thinking
this was it 
by this time tomorrow this will be your home 

the pain was increasing...our family about the expand.  

this was the moment i had been yearning for - for so long.  we've been through so much... miscarriage, early delivery of our twins and now we have this healthy pregnancy.

i scanned the room and saw everything all set up...the wicker bassinet, baby swing... the baby's room was painted a dreamy blue called forevermore and his closet, filled with soft, dreft smelling baby clothes.

i remember thinking
by this time tomorrow i will smell you and kiss your face

it was silent in my house and i was calm.  i felt pain and stretched my back using the kitchen counter as leverage, i braced myself on my grandmother's cedar chest as a contraction rolled from my pelvis and out my chest.  

i remember thinking
this is really happening

i went back into the bedroom and mike and i timed the contractions... 1-2 min apart.  it was time to go.

we drove to the hospital fast.  

i remember thinking that we might not make it, that i might not have time for an epidural and i remember trying to breathe through the pain.

i prayed that the baby would be healthy and safe.   i couldn't help but think about the twins and how our heartbreak had slowly healed with each passing month.  i thought about the last time i was in labor and how we cried tears of sadness as i pushed those beautiful babies out of me. 

i remember thinking
this would be different

the rest of the night was a blur because it all happened so fast.  i know we cruised through triage and were quickly pushed to the labor and delivery room.  the pain was strong and intense and i immediately dilated to 10cm and felt increasingly out of control.  i wondered how this could have progressed so fast, i questioned how i would ever be able to do this without an epidural.  i remember that i kept asking about the baby's heartbeat, i remember cursing anesthesia; wondering why they weren't here yet.  i pushed, maybe 4 times before there was a knock at the door.  the nurses looked at me and made sure i understood not to reveal the fact that i was 10 cm.

 the crna came in and asked a lot of questions and i blinked back tears...this was really happening.  i sat up and curled my back and just counted.  1..2..3..  mike claims i went to another place and that i sat perfectly still through three intense contractions.

slowly the pain eased up and everything grew a little fuzzy and i more calm.

 i still don't think i can put into words what happened next.  i just remember being so focused on delivering - so ready to meet our baby.  i remember pushing and feeling so strong and so prepared for this. i remember looking at my husband and my mom and feeling safe.  i remember praying that he would be healthy.  and when they said ''this is it, one more push'' i remember digging down, clenching my teeth and seeing the most beautiful and healthy baby in world. 

 my heart doubled in size at that moment.  i love him so much it hurts.

i remember that i did his apgar score in my head. i listened to his cry...a beautiful and strong announcement...i smiled when i saw his color, his size....everything about him was perfect, is perfect.
i couldn't believe the size of my baby.  the second he was delivered i heard everyone in the room echo similar phrases ''wow, he's huge'', ''look at that head'', ''what a big boy''.
he was placed right in my arms and i held him so close, keeping his body tight against my chest and i kissed his sweet face over and over again...both of us crying. 

i remember whispering repeatedly  i love you and thank you 

my beautiful, healthy baby warm and heavy on my alive.
william david brown, we waited so long for you and you were so worth the wait.  

your mommy and daddy love you more than you'll ever know.
i wish i could put into words the way my heart swelled when i saw mike transform into daddy role...the way he looked when he first laid eyes on his son still takes my breath away.

just look at our family...

he's my big vegetarian baby

i've never been so happy or felt so grateful.

i love this picture with both of our hands and little liam's scrunched up face.

your mommy and daddy love you so much.  

you are a miracle, baby.

and when the nurse asked if i wanted to nurse him, my heart flooded with love again.  he grew so strong inside of me and now i get to feed his soul.

he curled into my chest, already so familiar with my anatomy, sucking so easily... teaching me how to be his momma.  

i would give him the world if i could.

we have a bond.
a bond that started so small and grew into tiny flips and sharp kicks.  a bond that has grown and stretched and rocked.  
a bond that is indescribable and immeasurable

a bond that brings me to tears.

i feel lucky and changed forever.

my little lamb. 
born on 5/12 at 5:12 in the morning.

i don't think i'll ever be able to thank my mom for all she did that night.  she was my support and mike's and she never stopped taking pictures.  i've looked at them a million times but until i starting weaving words and emotions with them i never grasped what an priceless gift they are.  

we are so blessed and our son is so lucky to have grandparents who love him so much.

we stayed only one special night at the hospital.  we kept the lights so low, his tiny body just nestled snugly between his parents...we alternated between diaper changes and tried to perfect our swaddling skills.

i remember thinking
you are here, and we are right where we need to be

i remember my mom wheeling me out while the guys went to get the car. 
i remember i smiling and showing off my beautiful baby.  i was so proud.

look at those big feet!  i could just sit and stare and play with his toes, kiss his chubby cheeks and snuggle his smooth body.  it was the best day of my life and i wish i would have written this the day after he was born so i could recall all the small details that are hidden warmly in my heart.

every day i get to wake up and be his momma and every day i am blown away by how much i love him, i truly am the luckiest girl in the world.


Mary Anne Royal said...

What a beautiful piece Alli. Thank you for sharing so much of your heart. I am so happy for you and Mike and your family. Liam is indeed a lucky little boy. He will be surrounded by love his whole life and no person could ask for more. Blessings all around.
Mary Anne

Mom said...

I never tire of reading this or looking at the photos. It was the so incredibly special and I can't thank you enough for including me in the birth of my grandson! I love you all so much. And I am so proud of the parents you have become.